FANCY A CRUISE?
In a moment of discovery whilst surfing the net for properties abroad and sorting out all the cheapest holidays and flights that you’re never going to go on, the cursor clicked onto cruises. Why? Dunno. Never fancied one.Not old enough .Get seasick on the Bridlington Belle. However, one 14 day 4* cruise sailing to all the architectural gems of the Eastern Mediterranean sounded interesting and could be worth hundreds of potential brownie points with Mrs. M.D. No.1.This was worth persuing.
Tentative questioning got
a positive reaction from Mrs. M.D.No.1 and the idea became a reality. The tempter
above was of course entirely impractical ,leaving from
some airport miles away near a place called
M.D.No.1 though had got the
bit between his teeth and got through to an ex-Liverpudlian
footballer who was manning the phone lines at Lincoln Holidays and the idea soon became a reality. A different cruise
costing nearly twice as much and going round the other side of the
Reality, I,ve
booked it love -T. S.S. Topaz cruise from
Another first! As much as you like to eat and drink all day every day for a full fortnight. Is it a dream come true or your worst nightmare? What about that promise you made to youself to loose a stone, get rid of your beer belly and get back into all those clothes that must be still trendy and you can’t bear to put in the Tesco’s Salvation Army bin? What about that late Saturday night promise you made to get fit again and help out those poor old sods on the Veterans rugby team with all your well honed skills & vast experience ?
Well the answer to all these
questions is - we’re just setting off out of
The Cruise.
The following notes are as Mystery Drinker No.1 and wife found the cruise and our impressions of the ports of call and any bars we happened to sniff out along the way in the very few hours we had in each and have had nothing like the scrutiny we give to pubs on the web pages.
Prologue.
We set off from Manchester
just after eight on the Thursday morning with only a half hour delay and arrived
at the new user friendly Palma airport and were whisked off to the dockside
in a fleet of buses for our one or two week adventures aboard the T.S.S.Topaz
a big white ship about as long as a footall pitch
and roughly seven or eight stories high. Mega big we thought until we looked
across the quay and found our liitle ship dwarfed
by this floating high rise office block which was heading off to
The first day we spent trying to find our way around the warren of cabins, information areas, dinning areas,24 hour buffets,Piano bars, Disco bars, Cabaret restaurants, sun decks, pool areas and the singulary good Topaz restaurant. We opted for the Topaz restaurant for our first dinner. and it was here we really got introduced to the Topaz cruise culture.
“ Table for two please!”
“Follow the waiter sir”
Funny looking table for two this - six at the least, and sure enough we were joined by two other couples, all with the same British reserve. By the end of the meal and reveral glasses of the shps own wine all dispensed by the cosmopolitan attentive waiters who would not let your glass get empty, we were all the best of shipmates and ready to tackle the hecic programme of activities promisd to us in a daily cruie broadsheet.
The second day ,we were at sea ,and after a hearty full English breakfast we got ready for lifeboat practice and the ships full compliment strapped themselves into the totally untrendy life jackets we found at the bottom of our wardrobes and waddled like bright orange Russ Abbots fat men up the gangways to our appointed Muster Stations. Here one of the Thompsons, Cynthia Payne trained instructors checked our whistles and knots and lined us up to pass Muster by one of the White outfitted ships officers. This really cracked the ice and from here on in we were all literally in the same boat and the conviviality of the anything, anytime all inclusive package really started to kick in.
As a counterpoint to all this relaxation, invitations to Captain Giannnakopoulos’s Cocktail and Cabaret dinners were circulated and gave people a chance to dress up. Fortunately I’d managed to slip a tie and jacket into my luggage which came in handy at the first night at seas Captain’s Dinner and I seemed to blend in, I think. Seasoned cruisers had their dinner jackets and tuxedos on. The ladies of course all looked stunning in outfits ranging from “ if you’ve got it flaunt it” to subtle understated elegance.
The senior crew were introduced and the band played tunes for all ages to strut their stuff to whilst waiters circulated with a never ending range of cocktails,exuding charm and helpfulness quite naturally and not just in the hope of weekly bonuses voted to them by the passengers.
Suitably bouyed by the cocktails about a hundred of us find it is our turn to experience the cabaret dinner with “The round the world in eighty minutes show”, in the specially designed cabaret restaurant. It was a super show involving both waiter and audience participation, a gourmet meal, singing, dancing and illusions out of the top drawer.
The only problem that we’ve experienced so far, probably due to drink (or tired and emotional) was a small domestic contretemps which occured in the early stages of the show and according to Mrs. M.D.No1, who had a better view than I did, involved a few straight lefts that Lennox Lewis would have been proud of and led to the early retirement ot the male contestant.However, before any further rounds could commence a couple of white suited security officers discretely arrived behind the champ until she decided to also retire early.
After the show it’s Hemmingways’ Bar - lots of new best friends- Christ is it so late? Bed.
With having an inside cabin and air - conditioning we had no natural way of knowing the time or the weather. It’s also confusing because you haven’t a clue where you are either.Its usually about a half hour of early morning ablutions & sorting youself out before you climb up the innards of the ship , hit the decks and realise it’s sunny again and there are acres of containers in front of you, as a rule.
We didn’t come across anything exceptional in the way of bars, but took a few snaps of the pavement cafes,& there did look to be a variety of seedy backstreet bars just of the main tourist areas.
The best thing from Mrs.M.D.No1’s point of view was the shopping ,with a mix of stylish boutiques and sales in the back streets of what is really a typical small Spanish working town.
When we got to
We took the advice of our reps and opted for the organised morning tour of Casablanca led by a very knowledgable youg man ,a bus minder and his traditionally dressed colleague, who occasionally clipped in to re-inforce the fact that Morrocco was now a very tolerant Muslim country and to assure us that the shop we were dropped outside was the best value in Morrocco.
We were shown all the official
sites in
A stop at a posh hotel for a controlled toilet stop and an opportunity to try the mint tea, as well as to purchase some Arabic calligraphy by Mr. Baba that allegedley was the name you gave him. The bus then stopped at the recommended shop and then we got deposited back at the Topaz. A very interesting experience but enough for most.
M.D.No1 though wasn’t finished
yet - you can not go to
Mystery Drinker No1’s
really scarey adventure in
Mrs.M.D.No1 had now found
lots of new friends onboard ship and wasn’t interested
in going so Mr.M.D.No1 had to return to
The expected haggle with the
taxi driver occured and we settled for him droping
me off at the Hyatt and I’d make my own way back because I wasn’t sure how long
I’d be. I dressed non touristy and put my camera in a local shopping carrier
bag and confidently walked into the Hyatt past Oil Tycoons and visiting Diplomats
( each with bodyguards ) and made my way to the neon sign Casablanca Bar. It
was a faithful reproduction of the
THE JOURNEY BACK
Back now- Shit no Dihrams - Hole in the wall - 100 Dihrams.
“Taxi”
200 Dihrams
“How about some English?” We settled on six quid plus 100 Dihrams.
“A la port” ( I did French at school, sort of ) off we went.
“Don’t recognise this bit”
“You say to the right!”
“Le bateau Topaz”
The port was getting bigger and bigger and seedier and seedier. The driver stops and shouts to a passing Arab in Arabic. We turn round and the other Arab jumps in. We stop outside a metal door and the Arab in the back jumps out and picks up a stone and starts hammering it on the wall. Is he practising for my head?
“We wait ten minutes?”
“No! get me to the Topaz!!” so off we sped and barely 400 yards away from where we started we are back at the Port gates
with the Topaz in view. A quick fumble through my pockets for the boarding card and I headed back to the welcoming gangplank
“Merci, Gracias, Thank you,
have some more of these coins with the
The entertainment on board was plentiful and appropriate to the mixed bag of passengers that had been assembled for this one or two week marathon. We were spoilt for choice with shows, a disco, a cabaret bar ,a casino,quizes, bingo,a fitness centre, learning to dance, learning to bet and all this with waiter service. Not to mention the deck games and club 18 - 30 style make yourself dizzy and humiliate yourself games for the younger end. All this competed with the forever open bars, 24 hour buffet and a more formal restaurant. There are also shops and clubs for teens and younger kids, & shore excursions, some of which I can give you an impression of here, but it all adds up to a very full sweety shop, but, were we going to make ourselves sick.?
We liked Gibralta
probably due to the fact that it was cloudy and the main street was very near
to the ship. Marks & Spencers, C & A, the Body Shop , MacDonalds ,English Police and phone boxes along with tdentical
currency gave us all a real sense of security after the fun and games of
There was a mixture of typical
Mediteranean pavement cafes and a few left over English
style bars and pubs. One of these claimed to be the oldest pub in
We missed the Irish street
which we think had a few bars in it. I’m sure there are some good watering holes
in Gib that we missed so if you have any information
which
A little footnote: As we
didn’t realise that we were calling at
Aunty Dorothy wont half be pleased, & have something really good to talk about all round the village when we get back & tell her!.....Who needs the Internet when you’ve got Auntie Dorothy?!!
We’ve got a bit of a problem with Cartagena as neither of us can really remember much about it , this being the week after , & having been to so many places it all seems to be getting a bit of a blur. I’m sure the photos will jog a brain cell or two. Yes!!It was the place where I accidently got a shot of the ageing ,local brother & sister from Royston-Vasey who were in the next cabin to two of our new best friends!
Back to the Topaz , more food , more drink, more cruising , where tomorrow?
Half the Cathedral was covered in green netting from the front, but a walk round brought us to a large square with a super cooling fountain and several cafes
We tried a drink in one of the cafes at reasonable prices, but then got serenaded by an urchin with a tin whistle. The sooner you give them the pesatas the sooner they go.
Just to the back of the Cathedral are some well excavated Roman ruins and a mini Colusseum seems to be stuck on the back of the Cathedral.Just past the ruins down a side street is a pleasant little Tapas Bar, The Bar Allmudin on Calle Allmudin, but we didn’t get the opportunity really to get a proper sample of Spains third biggest city , so info please.
More pavement cafes, more food , more drinks , it’s hard.
Day after-- Day at Sea- tried to get sunstroke-more food , more drinks, another Show, Hemmingways,Bed-Big day tomorrow.
VILLE-FRANCHE
This is our only visit into
Morning arrived but the early morning climb up to the deck for coffee brought a pleasant suprise, a beautiful view of a small fishing port with it’s mulicoloured houses climbing their way from a small beach towards the top of the foothills of the Alps.
We are anchored in a bay with a very posh cruise ship about 300 meters away and a few smaller cruisers and yachts plying their way in and out of the harbour. To me it looked Italianate and a lovely change from the usual containers that greeted us.
To get ashore we stepped from
the Topaz onto a wooden floating platform and across to a 40 or 50 seater
tender. When full we bobbed to the harbourside and
made our way in no time to the railway station. Less than
three pounds to
This was a whole new world.
The people sunbathing around the harbour front pool
didn’t look too different but the cost of frying around this well known pool
with it’s elegant diving boards which feature in many a stylish advert were
well out of M.D.No1’s league. The yachts oozed affluence, one of them having
a helicopter pad on board ,several having expensive jacuzzis
and all having the wherewithall to moor up for lunch
in
Together with a couple of shipmates we climbed up the hill to the Casino, passing the Hermitage and the Hotel de Paris which sat on the square at right angles to the Casino. We arrived just before lunch and soon became mesmerised by the conspicous affluence all around. Rollers, Porsches, Ferarries and humble Mercs were valet parked and brought the 5 or so yards back to the Hotel entrance for their Armani clad owners to tip the flunkies and roar of into the mountains for lunch. At one point half a dozen Ferrari’s and S.L.’s swept through the square and off on the road to Menton.
It was really fascinating.
Gucci, Cartier, Lalique and Channel were on every corner
, Prada just round it. People were in there
both buying and wearing their goods like we blithley
raid Marks & Spencers. The bars on the square
could have been really expensive, but a drink or two and a light lunch at either
the Casino square or the harbour front wouldn’t necessarily
break the bank at
Our shipmates managed to make
it to the
We’d left ourselves a good bit of time to catch the tender back to the Topaz and our wander through the winding streets of Villefranche with it’s shops selling hand made perfumes and soaps as well as the usual crafts, decided us all to try and make it back one day to sample the bars, restaurants and cafes and the small decorated church which our deadline for the Topaz had denied us.
We caught the tender and edged gently out of the harbour to find that the sea had become a lot choppier. The tender bobbed up and down like a theme park ride causing a mixture of squeals of fright and delight.When we arrived back at the Topaz the floating platform had broken loose and anxious Topz crew waited whilst we edged our small craft closer to the waterline hatch which was to be our escape route back to the stability of our 30,000 tonner.The tender edged alongside and as it dropped down, strong hands pushed and pulled you through the opening and then passed you like a parcel along the narrow corridor until you were clear of the gang way and back on board.
A nice little bit of excitement at the end of a really interesting trip ashore.Lots to talk about that night and we really must get to bed before Hemmingways shuts,cos it’s off to Florence at 8-00am tomorrow ( some chance)
Don’t ask
,but somehow we managed to make it. The port was another big container
port ,
The young lady (
in her rather enviable Trumpytours sweatshirt)
was a superb guide and though oblivious to trumping, had a brilliant sense of
humour and played on the local rivalry between her
town of
Mrs.M.D.No.1 caught up with an hours sleep but all too soon we were let loose on all that culture with a small map and only our last nights gin and tonic affected memories of the comprehensive briefing we had been given.
We had a coffee or two and a beer or two and found one of those always tempting takeaway shops with piles of pizza, pasta , salads, meats,breads, cheeses and sandwiches just opposite the university. It had a quiet, secluded courtyard to the rear where we shared our lunch with the sparrows.
Refreshed we set off again
to find the copy of Michaelangelo’s David
in it’s original position, but couldn’t face queueing
literally round the block to see the original. The Ponte Vechio
with it’s host of jewelry shops cheered up Mrs.M.D.
and some really stylish shops around
Floence was a pleasant, clean city and we didn’t have time to do it justice, lots of churches, lots of galleries and museums and historic buildings a plenty. Cafes and Bistros but few bars. It all seemed geared to your culture vulture tourists, which we had become. It worked O.K. I must look up the names of all those buildings when I get back home.
Try to be sensible tonight,
there’s
Pretty early, just after
We parked up virtually under
the
I’d been listening to the
talk on
We then made our way across
the
The Spanish steps had to be
scotched and we headed off in the direction of the Colliseum.
Eventually we got there and saw a host of old stones including an old beggar
dressed as a Roman Emporor and more and more tourists. There’s not much shade
in this area and it was very hot so we took a taxi back to Trevi.
Drinks near Trevi and then another taxi back to
We’d no real plans for the
following day in
stay
on board and grab a good sunbed for the afternoon at sea.
The penultimate night at sea heralded the weekly crews cabaret in the showbar and they were joined by any passenger who fancied themselves. The first week we only got an accomplished Bobby Crush type pianist and an Elvis fan. The second week saw a lot more talent from a precocious, screeching, tap dancing 9 year old , a good club style stand up comedian and one of a small party of Russians aboard with a song and dance act which would have gone down well at the Kremlin.The Elvis fan returned this time as Frank Sinatra, but the star of the show was the young cameraman, who along with his mate Jamie was filming life aboard the Topaz for the B.B.C. ( Passport to the Sun ) Jamie was definitely not a bloke but it would have sounded better on Neil’s postcards home to his mum, but I digress. Neil was last up, and with words and music in front and guitar strapped round, lurched into his own version of the Victoria Wood classic “Can’t do it “. An excellent skit on the captain, crew,the passengers and the S.S. Topaz itself. Best applause of the night.
Barcelona Beckoned and we berthed within easy walking distance of the bottom end of Las Ramblas. We walked into town and had our first coffees a few yards up Las Ramblas and even at that time the human sculptures and buskers wre in full flow.
The tour started at the Christopher Columbus statue,took in the stylish new Port to start with and continued it’s way through the suburbs past buildings too numerous to mention, but all explained through the scratchy headphones, in between snatches of classical music. Not long enough again but Gaudis Sagrada Familia, F.C.Barcelona and the Olympic stadium were but a few of the sights easily remembered from this stylish city.
The full tour took almost three hours and it would take a long weekend to do it justice and to find a favourite area to return to and just enjoy yourself. This has to be next on our agenda.
An hour or sos’ shoping down the side streets off the Rambalas and then through the Gothic Quarter to find our final presents and the location of a good few Tapas bars which we will visit again.A short walk back past more statues and we were ready to watch the tugs nose us out of the harbour and with final waves to the other cruise ships we set of on our last nights leg to Palma.
Meal, packing,drinks, exchanging addresses, more packing, more drinks and cases outside our cabins for 2.00a.m.
We were off the boat early but some were in Port or off inland to the market as they were on later flights.
We all generally agreed that this was one of the best holidays we’d been on
We’d met lots of nice people , the food, service and entertainment on board was superb and the reps on board and the crew couln’t have been more helpful or contributed more to the friendly, relaxed atomsphere on board.
THEN- we got to the airport and seemingly quite arbitarilly we had our total bagage weighed and were charged for excess. Funny this as others wre going to buy lots of quite heavy booze from the airport shops and take that on board as well. Still we asked for a window seat and were assured we had one.
When we got on board we were right at the back and in the middle . Complaints to the stewardess brought apologies and then a further bombshell, that we weren’t booked for an inflight meal. We’ve been abroad four times already this year and never had such appalling treatment from any other tour operators. The stewardess couldn’t be more apologetic and agreed it was an absolutely idiotic crass policy, which hadn’t been communicated at all to us or quite a few of the other passengers, all of whom seemed to be at the back of the plane. More people began to voice their opinion and the stewardesses were again taking up their time pacifying the results of this petty, mean, sneaky and short sighted policy. The drinks run and other in flight services didn’t happen on this flight and left a sour taste in the mouth after what would have been an otherwise excellent holiday.
So Thompsons
if you’re going to have a no frills service, be honest like Stellios,
but don’t try and sneak a second class service on to your previously loyal customers,
like the couple who were celebrating their Golden wedding Aniversary
next to us at the back of the plane .Try thinking about your front line staff
and the stick they have to take as a result of ill thought out policies, let
alone the bottom line for you and your share holders when people like me and
the rest of the back of the plane are actively going to look elsewhere to spend
our hard earned holiday money. These rather cheap back door policies sort of
negate all that expensive advertising don’t you think?